Average Size And Weight Of A 7 Year Old Boy The Seven Worst Things You Can Say to a New Mom

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The Seven Worst Things You Can Say to a New Mom

Most of you already know that I have seven children. Mom, I’ve heard it all. Been there, done that, bought the shirt. I finally narrowed down the harshest comments to the top seven – one for each child. So, if you’re a little clueless or your mouth just goes overboard, remember carefully and DO NOT say these seven things.

1. When is your appointment?

Okay, it’s true. It takes a while for that belly to go down (if it ever does). Meanwhile, everyone who loves this new mom is telling her how beautiful she is and congratulating her on how quickly she’s getting her figure back (even if she isn’t). It only takes one stranger to come by and blurt out, “When’s your appointment?” and her entire self-image is destroyed. In short, if you don’t know for sure, don’t ask. For the love of all that is holy, please don’t ask.

2. So when I gave birth…

Here’s the deal. A new mom enjoys the pain, pleasure and glory of her birth. Let him tell you everything, but only if he really wants to. One thing she does NOT want to hear about is when you, your wife, your daughter, your boss, or your sweet sister gave birth in LA. She may be pretending to be interested, but she’s not. She’s just being polite. And if your sweet sister in LA gave birth naturally in a pool of lily-filled water and slipped into her jeans next week so she could go to her modeling shoot, then she’s probably trying to look interested while holding back her puke, which is especially hard. Don’t torture her.

3. Are you breastfeeding?

This falls into one of those “none of your beeswax” categories. Of course, we all know the benefits of breastfeeding. I’m definitely pro-elbow and have the warts to prove it (not bragging rights; just facts, Jack). If she’s breastfeeding, then cool! If she’s not breastfeeding, then cool! I am breastfed and quite healthy. My husband is not breastfed, and he is quite healthy. Now, if you’re talking about mental health, he’s probably one of me. Do what’s best for you and don’t try to save the world one tit at a time.

4. You’ll be back in your blue jeans in no time.

Maybe she’s already back in her jeans. She was just that big when she started. You really don’t want to go there. The Idiot’s Guide for New Moms: Tell her she looks wonderful, fabulous, gorgeous. But don’t comment on her size or weight unless it’s totally obvious she’s pulling a Giselle on you and about to walk the runway with angel wings. Oh, and don’t tell her she’s glowing. This is a comment meant for pregnant women and usually means, “you look really flushed, like your head is going to explode.”

5. Do you plan to have more?

If it is, then it is. Leave it to her mother-in-law and her gynecologist to do this kind of curiosity, but not to you. She wants to talk about the baby or her new life as a mom or maybe she just wants to complain a little, or a lot. She’s not thinking that far yet, so don’t push her. She’s just getting used to her new “normal” right now, don’t make her think about other elements. Her brain can turn to a syrupy liquid and ooze out of her ears.

6. Did you tear any?

Seriously? Should I include this? Yes, apparently I am, since I’ve been asked this before. At first I was stunned. But then God whispered the perfect word in my head in response. I just looked at the curious woman in confusion and asked, “Where?”

7. Do you need help?

At first this seems like a nice thing to say. But a new mom will never, and I repeat NEVER, tell you that she needs help. He might as well scream, “I’m a failure!” No sir, that won’t happen. Even if he’s hanging on by a thread, he’ll smile and say, “No, it’s okay, we’re doing fine. Thanks anyway.” Here’s where you need to take the bull by the horns. Don’t ask if she needs help because she does. It is inevitable. Just tell her what you’re going to do. “I’m bringing you a meal, so tell me what you like.” or “I’m coming to clean the house so tell me when would be a good time.” He can’t refuse you. And if she does, she has already fallen off the edge mentally, or she has busy people to help her. If she is mentally debilitated, offer medication. If she hired help, I give her the house.

There he is. Follow this guide and you won’t go wrong. And remember, if you’re not sure what to say, then just keep your mouth shut. Smile and wave, mom. Smile and wave.

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