How Do You Potty Train A 2 Year Old Boy Ferrets: Better Than Babies?

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Ferrets: Better Than Babies?

Can’t afford a Lexus? Take the Honda. Don’t have time to deliver? Digiorno. There are many times when we have to make trade-offs for things we may want. After all, this is not Plato’s world of ideal forms or Mister Roger’s land of fiction, this is reality, a place where one sometimes has to settle for second (or third or fourth) best. My wife and I have discussed the pros and cons of parenthood many times, but we still haven’t committed: not enough space, too much debt, not enough income, not enough stable work. Plus there is too much poop, too little freedom, too much stress etc. etc. etc. What did we agree on? Well, skunks of course. It was a relatively easy decision to make and it’s easy to make some clever comparisons between babies and ferrets. So I wondered: Are ferrets a legitimate substitute for babies?

Obviously, the human species has a great physical and psychological drive to reproduce and this is satisfying for a number of different reasons. Obviously, a ferret doesn’t elicit quite the same kind of emotional response from a mother as when she looks at her biological child. Nor can you teach your ferret how to play the French horn and have the chance to beam with great pride as you attend his first concert. No, there are many things that a ferret simply cannot do for you. However, there are a few things that ferrets can help you with if you simply don’t have the money, time or desire to take on parenting. Here is a list of ways in which ferrets provide a reasonable substitute for human babies.

1. Baby poop:: Ferret poop

If you just love cleaning up poop, but hate dealing with all those diapers, flailing legs, and ear-splitting baby screams, a ferret might be just the thing for you. Ferrets poop as much or more than human babies, but you don’t have to change their diapers, you don’t have to smell their accidents, and you never have to potty train them when they get older.

2. Babies are sleeping: Ferrets are sleeping

Babies are cute when they sleep, but that’s only compared to the hell cub they resembled when they were. Ferrets are also adorable while sleeping. They make little nests in your laundry, snuggle together, stick out their tongues, and stretch into a U shape. What’s more, they actually get cuter when they first wake up. Instead of screams and smells, you’re met with yawns and some wonderfully precious stretching. On top of that, ferrets sleep between 16 and 20 hours a day, which means they are cute up to 83% of the day! WOW!

3. Babies need protection: Ferrets need protection

Much of the satisfaction of parenting comes from the pride one takes when one successfully prevents a less intelligent organism from killing itself. Human babies, being essentially useless tubes of flesh for the first few years of life, provide maximum opportunities in this regard. Sure babies can kill themselves by not sleeping properly, but ferrets do some pretty suicidal things too. For example, a ferret will eagerly jump to its death from your hands if you don’t restrain it. A ferret will also ingest any number of indigestible, poisonous, and/or dangerous objects given the opportunity, giving their guardians ample opportunity to feel indispensable.

4. Babies impress guests:: Ferrets impress guests

If you’re like most parents, you probably feel the need to rub your baby in everyone’s face after a minor accomplishment like blowing bubbles or saying the letter “H.” Ferrets are also phenomenal at letting you pretend you deserve bragging rights. Party tricks are great and most ferrets can learn to roll over and/or play dead, leaving your guests in disbelief. Ferrets are constantly begging for treats by jumping up your leg and trying to climb into your arms and lap. This completely selfish behavior is fortunately interpreted as a strong emotional bond between pet and owner. “Look,” you might say, “he’ll even lick this ice cream off my nose!” Follow that up with a healthy spell of giggles and you’ve made your case.

Ultimately, house ferrets and biological children are remarkably similar. In the long run, you just can’t beat a human child with a stick. But if you compare the first five years of parenthood spent in an almost manic state of constant sleep deprivation and arguing with your wife to five years of carefree weasel ownership, you wonder: Is it possible? Are ferrets better than babies?

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