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Divorced But Not Over It?

Cut back on this

The divorce may be final, but are the hurts and anger still eating away at you? Here are ten tips to help you process the hurt and move on with your life.

1. PHYSICAL DAMAGE

Prolonged anxiety, stress or agony of any kind hurts you physically, not just emotionally. Get to the track and run away from the injured, lift weights and scream, dance until you sweat. Eat right and drink water, not soda. Give your body a break. Self-destruction will not make the relationship recover. If you’re losing it or feeling suicidal, ask your doctor for antidepressants for a few months.

2. THINK IN TERMS OF SUCCESS

If you managed to make a relationship, any relationship, even if it ended badly, at least you knew passion, partnership, and maybe parenting. All of these can include pain. Would you rather never feel anything for anyone?

3. SAVE THE CHILDREN

Are you still trying to be a good parent, but your ex would rather eradicate you? That situation can push desperate panic buttons. Remember the story of Solomon and the two mothers. Let the child live in peace and stay involved as much as you can. When a child turns ten, he sees the truth. Just give consistent, unconditional love and time will do the rest. Never make the mistake of yelling at your children because of your frustration with your partner or making the children the go-between.

4. HOT ANGER

Hot anger is, well, hot and not that different from passion. If you are still involved in someone’s life and what they say or do, you still have to worry. If a stranger said or did similar things, would it bother you? Probably not. Admit that you still care and seek professional help in processing the residual love masquerading as hate.

5. BLIND FOR THE NEXT

While you’re sulking in the corner, your perfect match might be watching you. If you’re still wrapped up in your old dead relationship, you won’t notice. Double loss.

6. GET OUT OF TOWN

Remove yourself from the triggers that trigger the feelings again. Take a trip to Rome or Baltimore, anywhere new and different to help put your relationship crisis into perspective. It’s just a relationship. As much as it hurts right now, it’s not life-threatening HIV or cancer. You will recover.

7. NUMBERS REALITY

The truth is that of all marriages in America, 50% of first marriages end in divorce, and 67% of second and 74% of third marriages also end in divorce, according to Jennifer Baker of the Forrest Institute for Professional Psychology. The distribution shown on http://www.divorcerate.org/ is as follows:

Marriage age for those divorcing in America

Age Women Men

Under 20 years old 27.6% 11.7%

20 to 24 years old 36.6% 38.8%

25 to 29 years old 16.4% 22.3%

30 to 34 years old 8.5% 11.6%

35 to 39 years 5.1% 6.5%

Relationships are much harder to keep together in this time of stress and easy divorce, especially if you were too young.

8. TAKE RESPONSIBILITY

No matter how awful your relationship is right now, you made a long series of choices that got you to this place. Take responsibility for your fifty percent of all decisions and problems. The blame game is immature and fruitless. Learn from your mistakes and try harder next time by choosing a more compatible partner or learning to be a better partner.

9. LONG TERM

If you share a child, you will also share grandchildren and great-grandchildren at weddings, graduations and birthdays. Hostility to the past will affect the lives of your future descendants as long as you live or as long as you are angry. Sweet innocents will love their grandparents and your poison at their parties will poison them. It’s not fair to small children. If you stay in the same city, your friends and co-workers will have to make up for your broken relationship and your inadequacy to mend hurt feelings. Superiors may read this as inadequacy to solve other problems and pass you over for the next promotion. Like rings from a stone in a pond, bad vibes will spread all around you.

10. TIME IS SHORT

Your life is ticking. Wouldn’t you rather laugh, sail, hike, discover new wonders of science or gardening, than go to war?

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