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The Issue of Being Homeless
I’m curious. Something moved me and it has to do with this season, home and family. Let me look into my no-mind, my subconscious.
Food is soothing. Nourish my body. I have to have it to survive. When did I feel like I was going to stop surviving? I wasn’t fat before homelessness in 1985. I was tall, thin and 36 years old. Wait, when I was pregnant with my first born, I gained 100 pounds, but I lost them in almost 90 days when I tried to keep our Santa Clara, CA. restaurant alive. Mr. ex-husband forced me to give that precious firstborn to my brother and sister-in-law until I could make that restaurant survive. I will never know why I allowed such abuse, but I did.
Then I excelled. I pulled it off. I was doing jobs for 12 people and it became known and the story of Silicon Valley at its peak. It was even on radio ads. Even the mob tried to get us. Mr ex-husband was an incredibly strong man. He was also mean, a womanizer and 12 years older than me. I wanted him so much to be the love of my life. He never was. I was in love with love. Mr. ex-husband did not have that “piece” in him that teaches a person to love or how to love. He almost killed me. I was 115 pounds and 5’7″ when I left him. I was 32 years old.
The survival of the majority came into question when I became pregnant with my second and illegitimate biracial son. I ate to survive. I ate to protect us. I formed a huge protective wall. A REAL aura that anyone, even if they were blind, could see and feel. My sons stood behind me and I protected them as much as I could.
But we became HOMELESS. I was 36 years old. I became homeless. I lost the center and core of who I once was. I became someone else. I guess he was what I now call the CEO.
After homelessness, we lived in a beautiful deluxe apartment complex. But my weight stayed. I went to college to better myself and my chances of survival. I stood out. But I was still homeless at my core. My mentor, Sister Helen Condon, called me a modern prophet. She meant it. I felt like no prophet. I felt compelled to speak, preach, teach and advocate for the nation’s homeless. I stood out. The weight stayed. I was 39 years old.
After college we lived in an exclusive part of Milwaukee, WI. where I got a great job that became my career. Now I was even more homeless in my center. I had no outlet for my weight when I fell and broke my foot. I tore a disc while mowing the lawn. I fell in love with my Hispanic boss. He wanted to become the District Director more than to connect with me. He succeeded and then went into the same frenzy of free fall from the USEEOC Department that enveloped us. We both went crazy like one ocean. He made it to Hawaii. Office and hired me to make the “A-Team”. They tried to kill us, literally. The weight stayed. i was 45 years old.
The shield grew larger, almost doubled in size. The boys and I were still two weeks away from homelessness when we found refuge in Factoria, WA. We were hidden for five years. I fought through the dark ages alone. I stood out. But my core is GONE. I was 50 years old.
Then one day my unconscious, still, small voice shouted at me! It called me stupid for not getting out of this oppression and depression. I wasn’t stupid. I searched and searched for a home. After five more moves in two and a half years, I found my way. I found my bodyguard to protect my back so I could focus and avoid patrolling all parameters to hear and see “it” coming through the darkness. I knew I was finding my core when mirrors stopped scaring me. I wasn’t afraid. I stood out. But the weight remained. I was 53 years old.
With my core found. I started the centering process. It was not as I expected. There may be a solid center far to the left of the social core. I existed in the landslide of Life. It wasn’t a bad place. It was a natural place for me. I was 55 years old.
I found a home. It is a huge temple of God, in me. I will never be homeless again. I am convinced that nothing can separate me from God’s love. Nothing. I will excel. The weight can stay or go either way, with gentle intentions Grace, I am now ageless at 65 years old.
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