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Dating’s "First Law of Wingwalking"
In the early days of aviation, pilots used to roam the country giving air shows in fields outside local towns. One of the brave devil’s popular stunts was “wing walking”. This is where the performer steps outside the cockpit and walks on the wing while the pilot flies the aircraft, often doing aerobatic maneuvers at the same time. Usually this feat was performed using biplanes, the wing walkers holding on to wires stretched between the wings.
There were occasional accidents. If you let go of the wires, you could easily fall to your death. It was best to hold on with both hands, but if you wanted to move around the wing, it was necessary to temporarily let go of one hand while you reached for the next string. Then you could let go of the first string and reach for the second, and so on. (You never wanted to let go of both hands at the same time…)
Why am I discussing airplane stunts in an article about love affairs? Well, if you haven’t noticed, love can be dangerous. An emotional meltdown can be devastating and something to avoid if at all possible.
I have two friends, let’s call them Kelly and Linda. Both have emotionally immature boyfriends who treat them badly. Kelly and Linda love their boyfriends and want to be in a relationship. However, neither boy shows any signs of growing up. What should they do?
Linda broke up with her boyfriend. Now she feels very depressed and lonely. She violated “Bessel’s First Law of Wing Walking,” named after my friend, mentor, co-author, and renowned psychologist Harold Bessel, Ph.D. The first law of wing walking says, “Never let go of what you hold on to until you catch something else!” By letting go of both hands, Linda “fell” into depression.
Kelly, following the First Law of Wing Walking, let go of only one hand. She gradually withdrew emotionally from her boyfriend, all the time telling him what she was doing and why. She kept hoping that he would grow up, but it didn’t seem to happen. When she was ready to give him only half of her heart, the other half was then available to someone new. And sure enough, someone new appeared, and she reached out and now has two boyfriends!
Kelly goes a little crazy, but she’s not depressed like Linda. In fact, she’s happy about the increased attention, something she’s never had before. She also has a unique opportunity to compare how they both treat her. And he is more likely to succeed in a new relationship because he enters it from a position of strength.
Many of you are no doubt shouting, “That’s horrible! She’s doubling them! You can’t forgive that!”
I have two things to say in response:
1. First, a lot depends on the nature of the various relationships, the agreements made between the partners and individual beliefs. For example, Kelly told her boyfriend that things were not going well between them and that she would be open to other relationships if they presented themselves. Therefore, she did not breach any trust. Also, she doesn’t have sex with a new friend (yet), so she doesn’t have to go against her own inhibitions about having sex with multiple people.
2. Second, it’s important to keep your beliefs in perspective. For example, I believe that “emotional stability” is a high value. While I rank it below “honesty” in my own prioritization of values, it ranks above “adherence to social norms.” So if your social norms say “date only one person” and that conflicts with your “emotional stability”, I suggest you ditch the social norm. Of course, if conforming to social norms is a higher value to you than emotional stability, then you should follow social norms and accept that depression is a possible, even likely, outcome.
Another way of expressing the First Law of Wing Walking is “Two is better than none.” Although this is obvious in the case of wing-walking, social conventions make it less obvious (but equally valid) in the field of love relationships.
Why does our culture set rules that are at odds with our emotional well-being? In this case, I suspect the rules were set up by immature people trying to protect themselves by making others feel guilty. This is something immature people like to do.
My suggestions are:
(1) “Don’t let others think for you,” i
(2) “Don’t fall off the wing!”
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