How To Deal With A 9 Year Old Boy Attitude The Charmer – Attacker

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The Charmer – Attacker

You can enter a room and find ways to entertain guests even though you prefer to avoid crowds. People are drawn to your sense of humor and charm. You are the life of the party and seem to have your act together. People would never guess that you are very insecure and afraid of rejection. You have difficulty managing your strong feelings of frustration and anger. You enter into relationships with people who easily obey your views and show blind loyalty. Isn’t a relationship where someone hangs on your every word, action sustainable? How long can a person demonstrate unconditional acceptance of your every thought, feeling, and behavior?

Many with this personality type grew up in environments where emotional, physical or sexual abuse was present. They were made to feel unworthy of their parents’ love and many times turned to drugs or alcohol to cope with feelings of rejection and insecurity. Like the nurturer/saboteur, the charmer/attacker tried to find acceptance through peaceful behavior. He was unsuccessful many times and found solace in friends, drugs, music and other moral related topics. He learned his social presentation from the media and social functions with his peers. He found that drug use helped alleviate feelings of insecurity and fear when he was with others.

People addicted to drugs or alcohol can possess many of the personality traits of the charmer/rusher. The charmer/attacker gains a sense of control by maintaining relationships with others who unconditionally accept his behavior. Many times, the nurturer/saboteur is drawn to this personality type because of the charmer’s ability to use humor and charm to convey to the nurturer that he or she is needed and valued. This is not to say that the charmer/striker does not need a breadwinner. He is very compatible with someone who will avoid conflicts and ensure harmony in the relationship.

A charmer/striker usually does not stick to one partner in a relationship. Due to drug abuse and/or lack of substance in his relationship, he is easily lured into one-night stands and other high-risk activities. When these or any of his activities are questioned, he will become aggressive and threatening in his attempts to regain control of the relationship. His sense of insecurity and fear of rejection will be exploited, contributing to his pathological reactions of projecting guilt and empty promises. His years of hurt and anger will surface in verbal and physical attacks. He will use intimidation and abusive tactics to solve relationship problems and force his partner to submit to his will. At first, he can use his charm and promise to change his behavior. As his credibility declines, he will revert to psychological and physical tactics to control the relationship. Domestic violence is a common theme in this relationship.

A charmer/attacker is a person who takes from the world to satisfy their own needs without thinking about the consequences of their actions. Many antisocial (sociopathic) characteristics can be found in this personality type. The charmer wants the world to yield to his needs and performs contrived acts of love and respect to get others to give him what he wants. He has not internalized the concepts of love, respect and honesty due to his self-centered views and constant pursuit of self-gratification. Remember, as a child this person was rejected and turned to other outlets for their needs. He never developed a concept of morality beyond what he learned from morally relative subjects. His destructive behavior usually continues until he suffers severe life consequences such as incarceration or a near-death experience. A charmer/attacker may be very skilled at conveying a caring and loving message to others, but he only does so to get what he wants. At first, he may reciprocate with positive virtuous behavior, but he will perform those virtues less and less as the relationship progresses.

In order for the charmer/attacker to move to a healthier state, he must begin to assess the consequences of his behavior. Although he is self-serving most of the time, his behavior results in bad relationships and superficial experiences. He did not create purpose and meaning in his life. These consequences must become stronger than the rewards for his narcissistic and self-centered behavior. The charmer/attacker must begin to accept responsibility for his harmful behavior and address his own past to identify ways to manage his tendency to get his needs met at any cost. He must identify specific actions that are harmful to others along with encouraging him to act in harmful and offensive ways. Many people with this personality type will need extensive therapy and support groups to help them recognize the hurt they have caused others and keep their “demons” under control. Support groups for addicts and victims/or perpetrators of abuse are most common with this personality type. The charmer/attacker will need to identify triggers for frustration and anger, which are the driving emotions in his behavioral presentation. He will need to develop ways to regulate strong emotional reactions to his perceived rejection and hurt, while controlling his impulsive response to quickly repair himself to feel good again.

The first step to a healthier state is taking responsibility for unhealthy behavior by abusing people and addictive substances. See how you justify your actions to make yourself feel good, while ignoring how your behavior affects others. Taking a daily behavioral inventory and using love, respect, and honesty as a moral guide can help people with this personality recognize and repair the hurt they are causing to others and themselves. Second, the charmer/attacker must accept that they will feel neutral and bad for a few days, and not engage in high-risk behaviors to get “high” or feel instant gratification. Negative emotions play an important role in our lives. They let us know that we need to slow down and process our environment and relationships. Feelings of sadness, hurt, frustration and anger tell us to get in touch with the present moment and take care of ourselves in a positive and nurturing way. Abuse of drugs, alcohol and people close to us will not achieve this. We must reach out to others and show love and respect while allowing these virtues to be reciprocated. By demonstrating acts of love and respect for others, we shift our attention away from ourselves and begin to shift our negative emotions into a more rational and neutral state.

Finally, the charmer/attacker needs to develop the ability to let go of those worries and difficulties that he has no control over. Negative emotions will not go away when a person is fixated on problems and worries that they cannot influence or change. This contributes to his irrational thinking and feelings of helplessness. During times of duress, this person will tend to look for quick fixes to free their minds from uncontrollable problems. He will verbally and physically hurt others to release his frustration and anger. He will abuse drugs and alcohol to relieve his feelings of powerlessness and insecurity. By focusing on actions he can control and treating others with love, respect, and fairness, he can begin to develop meaningful ways to approach concerns and problems while maintaining a healthier relationship.

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