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What Causes an Adult Child’s Need for Isolation?
Connecting with others—or at least trying to do so—after emerging from a dysfunctional, alcoholic, and/or abusive upbringing that subtly taught you to distrust and maintain what you considered a “safe distance” was sometimes the equivalent of grabbing a live wire. . At least that could explain the explosively electric sensation that went through your brain when you tried to do it. The reach, due to traumatic repetition, did not achieve the expected comfort, but emotionally broke down, turning you into an adult child.
“When children are injured by alcoholism and cannot find relief from their pain,” according to the textbook “Adult Children of Alcoholics” (World Service Organization, 2006, p. 357), “they are forced to deny their reality and withdraw into isolation. Experience the inability to control the events that harm us as children leaves us with a profound sense of alienation, not only from others, but also from our own openness and vulnerability.”
Isolation is one of the many dichotomies associated with the disease of dysfunction: it is painful to be alone, but it can be even more painful to be in close proximity to others when you do not fully trust them and they inadvertently create feelings that can thrive. from discomfort to anxiety to outright fear, which initially causes you to reject them and ultimately makes you leave to turn them off.
One strategy for avoiding these feelings is to achieve a significant degree of independence. The more you know and can do on your own, the less you need to rely on others, thus avoiding potentially awkward interactions.
Despite what may be perceived as the abilities of those in high positions, in managerial and leadership positions, for example, there may actually be deficits resulting from improved skills and acquired knowledge so that such people can reduce their reliance on others.
“Many of us have exposed our facades of self-sufficiency for what it was,” again according to the textbook “Adult Children of Alcoholics” (p. 219): “a camouflaged isolation in which we were afraid to ask for help. hiding in plain sight from myself and others.”
A person can become so self-reliant and distrustful of others, that if pain strikes his heart like lightning, he may choose to risk his chances of survival with it rather than risk reaching out to someone to help him out of it.
In a certain way, an adult child was created by the fact that he could not ask for help from those who should have provided it the most – his parents. Ironically, they were the primary reasons he needed it in the first place. Why then, he supposed, would those in the outside world, who neither knew him nor owed him anything in particular, serve as surrogate parents and provide help that his real ones were clearly unable to provide?
Indeed, he may believe that they would only cause additional damage beyond that which caused the need for that help. His definition of “parent” quickly became different from those who had emerged from a safe and loving childhood.
“(Maybe) we spent a lot of time avoiding others,” according to the textbook “Adult Children of Alcoholics” (p. 342). “We isolated ourselves and ran away from ourselves and from life. We always had time to isolate ourselves.”
Isolation, which cannot be limited to the traditional realm of the word’s definition, does not depend on the number of people currently in your circle, but on the number with whom you can connect. Due to the negative circumstances associated with your upbringing, it can represent low to zero. You could, for example, stand in Time Square on New Year’s Eve, waiting for the annual descent of the illuminated obelisk; yet you theoretically feel like you’re alone. Isolation therefore results from a lack of emotional and spiritual connection, not necessarily physical.
Attachment disorders are caused by your unstable and sometimes harmful upbringing. Your parents were the ones who shut you out, despite all your attempts to insert yourself into them. Indeed, every time you’ve tried it, you’ve most likely found their sockets empty and discarded. Even if they didn’t greet you with danger, they certainly did with abandon, leaving you to conclude that you were an unwanted burden who wasn’t important or worthy enough to give your time and attention to.
Either way, they’ve implied that you’re more or less, not up to par and not particularly lovable. At least that’s how you most likely interpreted their retention towards you.
The way that invisible wall served to separate you and prevent that much-needed parental bond, paradoxically also served to separate you from your true self, resulting in inner discord.
“To protect ourselves from the disorienting effects of living with confusion and pain,” according to the textbook “Adult Children of Alcoholics” (p. 358), “we divide ourselves into feeling and non-feeling selves and isolate ourselves from our own vulnerability. alternating between the extremes of wanting to escape from our isolation and need to remain safely hidden in our familiar prison of pain… We move from the depths of isolated depression to frantic attempts to find help in the outside world.”
Dysfunctional, alcoholic, and abusive upbringings become the core of an ever-increasing snowball that rolls from childhood to adulthood and creates survival-oriented behaviors that you were unwittingly forced to adopt. Shame, you felt inferior to others. The mistrust instilled by parental betrayal and harm laid a weak and fragile foundation upon which you rested your life. Being isolated and unable to eat what others regularly and effortlessly enjoyed reinforced your feelings of inadequacy and provided additional layers and reasons for your shame.
Crushed, squeezed and buried in everything is the cocooned inner child, which you were forced to create in order to escape from the danger you were exposed to from the inside, perhaps at the infantile age of three.
Although it represents your true self and its intrinsic, God-given endowments, it remains inaccessible and beyond your memory or even consciousness, long replaced by a false or pseudo-self, which cannot connect with others, thus increasing your separation and isolation.
Love expands, giving you more of who you are. Shameful contracts, they take away who you are. Both stem from and are therefore a reflection of what your parents have or don’t have. As their seed, you either grew emotionally and spiritually or shrank based on the frequency and nature of those extremes.
Grown children feel like missing pieces of a giant puzzle. Even if they find themselves somewhere on the table, they neither believe they fit into the gaps, nor deserve to, and therefore serve no purpose in completing the larger picture.
Excluded from the whole by a lack of trust and isolated by hiding somewhere in a box, they are unaware that both phenomena are the result of a replay of their original, but still unresolved, parental traumas. What was at three years old may still be at 53 years old in their subconscious and what is now their adult bodies are still in their psyches guarding their time-suspended children.
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