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I’m Not a Skinny Asian Girl
I was born in Sydney, Australia and stayed there until I was nine. After that I moved to California, which I called home until recently. My mom is Chinese from Singapore and my dad is Chinese from Burma, so I’m an Easterner raised on Western ideals.
Living so close to Hollywood, I definitely felt the effects of trying to achieve the perfect body. At a young age, magazines, TV and movies taught me that thin is beautiful; everything else was disgusting.
As a child and teenager I was quite thin, maintaining a thin profile while consuming copious amounts of pizza, chips and sweets. I have never weighed myself, I have never been on a diet and I have never thought about my weight. At 17 I was 5’6″ and 120 lbs. People would always say things like, “You’re so skinny! It must be because you’re Asian.” My biggest body issue back then was my dissatisfaction with my small tits.
After high school, when I was about 20 years old, I gained about 15 kilograms. I was still eating the same as I had been, so I knew it wasn’t the dreaded “freshman 15” that people get in college. My metabolism just started to suck. My friend was on the Atkins diet so I jumped on it myself. It worked very well. I lost weight and made it to high school.
When I was 21, I tried my hand at acting. At every audition I noticed the slim girls there, they seemed much smaller than me, even the non-Asians seemed thinner. I packed on the pounds after Atkins, so being in “business” put me back on the diet. I tried not to eat too much and ran. And this worked, I got my “skinny” figure back, but I was starving. I was always hungry and had constant headaches.
I eventually stopped acting for spiritual reasons, not because it was difficult for me, but because I felt it was taking me away from God. So after a restrictive diet I went wild. I cut all the fat and sugar. I got up to about 155 pounds, the heaviest I’ve ever been. I stopped hearing that I’m thin, I’m less and less looked at by good-looking strangers. I wasn’t fat, but I was definitely heavier. One of my closest friends then told me that I wasn’t “attractive like I used to be”. Needless to say, we stopped being so close, but his words made me think a lot about my weight. My dad would comment on how much weight I had gained and that hurt the most. When I was at a friend’s house, he went out for a few minutes to talk to his girlfriend. He left me alone with my brothers and friends, whom I had known for years, but was not very close to. They started making fun of my appearance, asking me if I was “getting ready for winter”. This was the lowest I’ve ever felt in my life. I felt ugly.
I ended up losing 10 pounds, so now I’m 145. Sometimes I can get down to 141 and sometimes 148, but for the most part I stay in this range, it’s been like this for about five years now. I don’t get commented on my weight anymore and I feel like I’m pretty average size for an American.
The only Asian countries I have visited are Singapore and Malaysia, where I currently live temporarily. When I first visited these places as an adult, I definitely stood out like a hothead. I was taller and fatter than most of the girls there. When I tried on clothes, I was a large or extra large. I have big thighs and a big butt. While this J.Lo body may be desirable in the US, it is not here. Chinese women are expected to be petite and slim. Well, you might say, “Jackie, how do you know this isn’t all in your head?” I know because almost every one of my relatives (that’s about 12 aunts and uncles and 14 cousins) told me I was “too big”. Too big for Asia, the land of the “skinny Asian woman”. I’ve seen some bigger girls here, but they’re few and far between.
Last night I was advised to lose weight to “fit in” and be more successful in my TV production business here. This was a huge insult to me, before I got here my weight had dropped to 141 and stayed there, which I was very happy with. Besides, what does my weight have to do with work? I was told that if I was thinner, I would look more like them, that I would be more accepted and respected. I kindly listened to the advice I was given, but I said that I was happy with my body. If I lost weight, great, if not, I wouldn’t cry myself to sleep.
I may look like I’m confident in my body, but there are many times when I look in the mirror and I’m repulsed.
One of my friends in Australia, who I’ve managed to keep in touch with for over 16 years, called me out for my poor body image when I visited him last year. I said a phrase that many of my peers in America say; “I’m so fat!” That would be said casually while trying on clothes or eating a handful of greasy fries. I didn’t realize how often I use this phrase. It was just something I said, it didn’t mean I thought I was fat, maybe, subconsciously, I thought if I said it to myself, I wouldn’t have to hear it from others. A friend of mine told me that Australian magazines are trying to build a female body image. They feature women of all shapes on the covers. Even my friend, who is happily plump Australian, was photographed in her underwear in the pages of Australia’s Cosmo. I’m proud that she’s proud of the way she looks.
I really wanted to write about this topic, not just as an Asian woman, but as a woman in general. We are constantly bombarded with images that tell us we should look this way or that way. We all accept that. As a larger Asian woman, I feel that other larger Asian women (meaning those who aren’t a negative size 14) feel much more pressure to be thin than the average woman. Every race has its own stereotypes. White people can’t dance. White people can’t jump. Black people are thugs. All blacks are basketball players. Asians don’t know how to drive. All Asians are thin. Well, I beg to differ, and I’m sure many of you do too. Justin Timberlake is a white guy with exceptional dancing skills. Larry Bird was a white guy who could jump. Barack Obama (USA ’08 presidential hopeful) is a black man who is far from a bully. And I, Jackqueline Lou, am NOT a skinny Asian.
And I’m fine with that.
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