How To Teach 4 Yr Old Boy To Wipe Butt Adult Children of Alcoholics – When Your Mother Is An ACOA

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Adult Children of Alcoholics – When Your Mother Is An ACOA

If you’re like me, and your mother is the grown-up child of an alcoholic, you may have grown up feeling more like a specimen in a petri dish than a carefree, innocent, joy-seeking child. If your mom is an ACOA who has not completed her recovery, you may have grown up feeling like something was always wrong, but because there was no alcohol abuse to point to, you may have unfortunately learned to assume that the anxiety you felt inside – -which you couldn’t name – you were ‘you’.

Adult children of alcoholics who have not done the work of recovery are unaware of how severely their emotional selves have been affected. Because their priorities in life have been ranked by their needs to simply survive, often unconscious ACOAs are stuck without even realizing it.

Because alcoholism is such an insidious disease, it seeps into the cracks of the psyche like a fog. To make matters worse, because the consumption of alcohol is often so glorified in society, it is difficult to grasp the idea that people who abuse alcohol are behaving irresponsibly, not only towards others, but also towards themselves.

If your parents were emotionally neglected as children because their parents were alcoholics, they may not be aware of the extent to which they are ‘separated’ from Self/Self. When childhood is lived in fear, survival is often the only thing on a child’s mind. Since a child’s basic instincts must be on hyperdrive to simply survive, there is little time for emotional maturation and connection with the spiritual side of the Self. And when these adult children of alcoholics have children of their own, parenting blind and detached from any idea that they are even emotionally disconnected inside. As a result – many times ACOAs are unable to form authentic fatherly bonds with their children – simply because they have no idea what NOT to give their child.

ACOAs, like the rest of us – are doing the best they can. But, unfortunately, many times they are blind to what it means to ‘feel’ loved on a psychological level, because they have no experience of ‘feeling seen psychologically’ themselves – as a result of being raised by absorbed, drunken, unreasonable, alcoholics. Having had alcohol themselves that they pointed to as the reason ‘why’ mum or dad wasn’t there for them – later in life, many ACOAs make a conscious decision NOT to drink, assuming that by choosing not to drink – their adult lives will turn out just fine. However, what they fail to realize is that alcohol is not the problem. A painful sense of self-alienation – it is.

If you are the adult child of an emotional manipulator, alcoholic, narcissistic mother, drug addict, sexual abuser, verbal abuser, and the like, you were raised by a person who is covered in the curse of self-alienation. Because they are so alienated within themselves – they are not aware and unfortunately cannot ‘see’ you in an authentic way. You were raised like someone trying to lift a couch. You were supposed to sit there, be still, be quiet and not be disturbed. You were supposed to magically grow up one day, be happy and move on. Your adult child of alcoholic parents – of course, would be completely stunned by any claim you make that implies they haven’t done enough to instill a real sense of worth in you. Their reaction to your claim might sound something like, “You ungrateful little brat. Can’t you see how hard I tried to make you happy. I brought you into this house, fed you, and clothed you. The heat always came through the walls, and I always said ‘good morning and how was your day’, what more did you want from me? Did you want me to wipe your ass too?”

Any attempt on your part – as a grown child of a grown child of an alcoholic – to try to make your parent ‘see’ or ‘understand’ the void or to sever the connection you felt with them – would be met with harsh and insurmountable guilt. You would be made to feel like the lowest of the low for daring to insinuate that there was something your ACOA parents failed to give you. In their minds, because all your basic needs were met, unlike theirs in childhood – they wouldn’t be able to realize that there was anything they could have missed. In their minds, they didn’t drink, your home was always clean, and there was always food in the fridge. Since you’ve never had to worry about where you’re going to sleep at night, in your parents’ minds, they’re at a loss as to what ‘separate’ you’re trying to convey.

To be fair to our adult children of alcoholic parents – if they didn’t choose to drink – they actually made much better choices as parents than their parents. Although we – their children may have grown up feeling lost in the abyss that is the fog that lingers long after our alcoholic grandparents have died, it is not our ACOA parents’ fault that they were raised by parents who were so drunk and complacent they couldn’t they see psychologically.

On the road to recovery, you will face many hidden secrets. If part of your deep digging has you staring at the fact that your parents are grown-up children of alcoholics – congratulations – you’ve found another piece of the puzzle, which is you.

Moving forward, you will have to embrace the lack you feel within yourself – that was the torch of self-alienation passed down to you by your ACOA parents. Healing requires you to accept the lost broken aspects of Self. Try not to spend too much time blaming your parents for wasted time. Instead, see it – acknowledge it – welcome your soul home – learn to forgive – and finally let go.

Hire a therapist or life coach to get you started on your life journey so you can start making healthier life choices for your future.

Read as much as you can about what it means to be the adult child of an alcoholic, as well as what it means to be the grandchild of an alcoholic. Attend 12-step meetings and online social communities focused on self-awareness. Learn about codependency, enabling, denial, projection, and thinking based on the disruptive fantasy type. Start meditating in the morning before you start your day, and do another one as you drift off to sleep. Start bathing, not showering. The goal is to learn to accept Yourself, instead of avoiding Yourself more.

Congratulations and good luck on your journey of transformation.

You are loved.

Namaste.

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